It's soooooo F*ckin' Cliche...

Guess what my #1 New Year's resolution is? Get healthy and lose a crapload of weight. I want to accomplish several other things over the course of 2006, but weight is my most important thing. Anyone who knows me fairly well realizes that this is one thing that I have struggled with for YEARS. Here is the ugly, honest account of the childhood of a fat kid:

- I realized I was a bigger than other kids in kindergarten
- the various and numerous comments from strangers and relatives about my weight and my plans for losing it (ummm, thanks, apparently they believed that Katieland is devoid of mirrors)
- Attempted and failed practically every diet known to man
- lost and gained enough weight to boggle my mind, let alone yours

I could go on, but I have decided not to bore you. Here's the bottom line: I'm trying again and I have the new determination that I would like to live past the age of 35. I come from a family that has managed to create a genetic link to most every disease known to man. It is amazing that I am still kicking to this day.

A little too honest people, but that's the way it is.

The New Year's Eve Plan

This is what I am doing to usher in the new year:

I am writing down all of the crappy things that have happened this year on separate pieces of paper. All the bad things, thoughts, deeds, actions, etc. Starting a small, controlled fire, and burning each one. Kind of a cleansing ritual for 2006. This is my way of starting off the year fresh and open for new things and bettering myself. Cheers!

That's me. What are/did ya'll do for the holiday?

Here's the big secret

I am here to let you people know something really important. Although I love holidays (as evidenced by my constant harping about Christ's birthday) there are a couple that I find extremely overhyped and I refuse to participate one year longer. The first holiday on my list? New Year's Eve. This is the night. You know, the one that is supposed to be loads of fun and crazy. Bullsh*t. All you end up doing is getting yourself excited and dressed up for some lame party that never lives up to its hype and you end up wishing you had stayed in your p.j.'s and relaxed at home. This year I am skipping all of this and hanging with a few friends in my p.j.'s, watching movies, getting drunk on alcohol I bought myself and didn't pay a 100% markup on, and being low key. That's it. This is my way to avoid getting all excited about stuff that won't happen. It's the perfect plan. I can't be disappointed. Do what you want, but I suggest just letting things happen as they may and be excited about the little things.

I alluded to this earlier, but I have a special plan for the holiday. I am not ready to reveal my idea just yet, but I am going to keep everyone updated.

And what did Santa bring you this year?

Well, Santa brought me cold, hard cash. Just what I wanted!! I also got a coffee pot with a timer so the coffee will be made when I get up in the morning - Magic! I also got a pasta pot/steamer combination which I also asked for. I got the Peanuts Christmas cd and the 40th anniversary tribute cd from my brother's girlfriend. It was awesome because I almost bought it earlier in the week. Always good to save money. I got other odds n' ends so Christmas was a success! I hope everyone else had a good holiday as well.

What was your favorite present this year?

No wings, no hands, half a face.

This is what happens when your enterprising father decides to attempt to hang the Christmas angel with the fireplace tongs. This is the type of thing that occurs to men and not women. I would NEVER have thought that precariously clutching the angel between a chosen tool of a fireplace set would be the PERFECT way to get the angel on top of the tree. I think that may be what a ladder is for. But don't ask me, I just visit this place from time to time. Another angel is on top of the tree, but don't get too hopeful. This angel is one that I made circa 1986 out of red crinkly paper, a twist tie, a doily, and a styrofoam ball. I have to admit she looks pretty good on top of our strange tree. A perfect addition to the gimp.

On the tree decorating front, we have abandoned our original idea (my father's, of course) of throwing the lights toward the front of the tree and seeing what happens. My brother and I actually pulled the tree away from the corner and wrapped lights around the entire thing. Coni, Chris' girlfriend, and I put the decorations up and it looks pretty damn good- if I do say so myself. We put a lot of ornaments on, probably close to 200. There are several bare spots (as mentioned in the previous post), but we have lots of icicle decorations and they fill the blank spaces well. If I can find a USB cable for the digital camera I will post a picture. I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday and I will speak or email all of you soon.

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah and whatever else anyone is celebrating!

We're getting down to the finish line...

So Christmas is one week away and I am just checking in on everybody. Today, I drove from Birmingham to Nashville with Lee and then I met up at the house with my family and we went to cut down the now infamous Christmas tree. We went to our friend's farm and looked at their trees. Let me set the scene. Our family friends got into growing Christmas trees several years ago and did not really do much investigation into how one goes about accomplishing this task. Apparently, they planted the trees too close together so some of the trees did not get adequate sunlight or room to grow. The trees were also not trimmed during their initial growth so they have, um, interesting shapes. There were more than a few Charlie Brown Christmas trees. Also some really lopsided trees and some trees with branches on just one side. We searched through dozens of trees and finally picked one that was not too bad. It was pretty full and very green. We sawed it down and then hauled it home. We cut off some branches and put it in the tree stand and put it inside.

Have you ever seen National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation? Remember how the tree is a bit too large for the house. Yup. Same problem. We have fairly tall ceilings, but the tree was too big so my brother cut off some of the branches at the top. I don't care if it does look a little gimpy. It's our tree.

Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas to me...

Mmmm-mmmm good.

Last Night...

I went out with some friends from school and had a very good time! I drank too much and had a wee hangover this morning, but all in all it was a fun evening. We went to Surin (the local Thai restaurant for those not in the know) and then we went to a local coffee house that serves liquor - you people know I wouldn't be having caffeine that late at night or going to a place where there were no adult beverages - Madness! I think it must have been open mic night and there was this one guy singing who looked like John C. Reilly. It took my friend Rachel B. and I a little while to figure out who he looked like, but that was it. He was dressed in faded blue jeans (circa 1992) and a polo shirt (also circa 1992 or thereabouts). Basically about as white bread as you get. His first song choice? Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison Blues. Quite a study in contrasts. I was waiting for him to launch into Marilyn Manson's Personal Jesus...

There it is.

Well, I finished my last exam and I figure things went fine. I guess I am a graduate. Hmmm.

I would prefer not to study, so...

Tomorrow is my last exam and I don't want to study for it. So I have decided to post about something I observed over the weekend.

I like to watch House Hunters on HGTV. I like to assess people's taste and to see the different kinds of houses that are out there. Anyhoo, I had taped an episode of the show and this couple was looking for a houseboat. Yes, a houseboat. I don't get them. To me they're scary and small. The couple on the show was looking for said houseboat in Seattle and they were planning on using it as a weekend vacation home. The couple's primary home was a showplace and certainly cost several million dollars. The boat they were looking to purchase was going to run them $500,000+. Hmmm. This is when you know someone has too much money. You know what the woman said that she was looking for in a potential houseboat? She wanted "intimacy with the water." I'm not sure what this means, but I don't like it. It makes me nervous that you can go to bed and wake up to find your house on the bottom of a body of water. Well, I guess you wouldn't wake up in case of this event, but you get my drift. Too transient for my tastes. It reminds me of the time that I was interning in this little tiny town in Arkansas and the local bank was in a trailer. In my opinion, anything that can be moved easily should not be the location for anyone's life savings.

Christmas Update #3

Hi Everybody! This is your regular Christmas Check-up. How is everyone coming in their quest to find the holiday spirit? Mine is going quite well. I am maintaining my current level of cheer and raising the bar a tiny bit everyday. I expect the same out of you. Happy Christmas' don't just create themselves. You have to work at it. I want to hear details on everyone's progress. Here's a little story on how my grinch (my dad) almost stole Christmas this year:

I don't get up early as a rule. I have tried to fight this natural instinct and it just ain't working. My family knows this and so do most of my friends. Anyhoo, moving on, I got up to take Teddy for his morning constitutional yesterday (Sat.) at 7:45 because he IS an early riser and his personal needs take precedence, especially if I don't want him to pee inside. As a habit, I usually check my phone when I get up for this quick jaunt outside to see if anyone has called in the night or early in the morning. Most of the times they haven't, and it was no different yesterday. I go back to sleep and finally get my lazy ass out of bed around 11. I check my phone and there is a missed phone call at 8:22 from my brother. I figure something must be up b/c he knows I would be asleep. I call and see what he wanted and it turns out my dad was trying to get him to agree to going ahead and picking out a tree and cutting it down before I got home and the call was to see if I would MIND (btw, we have friends who own a Christmas tree farm and they are letting us pick and cut down our own tree this year - something I have been looking forward to for months). My brother and his girlfriend tried to tell my dad that I would probably mind and they finally talked him out of cutting it down. Good thing. If I had come home and found a Christmas tree already up and decorated (dad's other plan for yesterday) I would have burned that motherf*cker down. period. Good thing for my bro and his girl or I would have been super irritated at dear old dad. Christmas is still intact. Not to worry.

Girls Suck.

Yeah, I know, I'm a girl, but I just wish I could get it together.

What am I talking about?

Not to get too specific (to spare my pride) I just seem to make the same mistakes over and over again. With men, with friends, with everything. I vow to do better, but I just don't. Ugh. What's wrong with me? Oh well. This is why the whole man sabbatical started. Well, here's the big announcement: Man Sabbatical 2005 is officially over. This doesn't mean that I have acted on anything, but people, I've got needs. Here is how 2006 is going to differ from 2005:

-I am going to take better care of myself
-I am going to open myself up to new things
-I am going to put myself out there (hush, you people with dirty minds) I mean I am going to finally act on feelings that I have instead of wishing they would go away
-I am going to seriously LOOK and FIND a REAL job

Here's the catch: When I say that 2006 will differ from 2005 I mean that this will take place as of January 1st. No sooner. I need a break and self improvement can be a drag. After my last exam (Wednesday) I am ON A BREAK. Plus, I've got plans for ringing in the new year.

That's for another post.

two things

1. Why is it that everytime someone goes to a strip club on t.v. the women are wearing something closer to a bikini than their birthday suit. I understand that you can't just show anything on television and that baring certain things is prohibited, but I always think the characters on the t.v. show are just going to crappy strip clubs. Hell, if I'm going to go to some sleazy strip joint there better be somethin' nekkid.

2. I just saw one of the Victoria's Secret Christmas commercials and this brings me to another observation. They (the models) are wandering the streets in tiny little lingerie. People, it's cold out there (in most places around the country) and these women need to put on some jackets or at least a scarf. Also, I love how the people the models pass on the street just look at them like it is normal for amazon-like women to prance around the street in a negligee.

Oh well. Only in America.

Who are we kidding?

Back to an oldie, but goodie...

When I am watching QVC and I see the various the stuff they are peddling, I think to myself "who actually thinks this looks good?" For example, the selection of jewelry is, for lack of a better word...stunning. Not the good kind of stunning. More like: "Good Lord! Apparently Tammy Faye Bakker has come out with her on line of craptacular accessories!" Another thing is the fact that QVC likes to sell things like Diamonique or Platinum-like things. It's fine, if you want to sell fake diamonds, but do they have to look like this? Why not something a little smaller and less Liberace-like...

I have an assignment for everyone: You must spend a couple of minutes today looking at the QVC website. Absolutely Breathtaking!

Observation

Is this not the most pointless endeavor? For those of you who are still in the midst of the fall/winter combo, leaves are everywhere. I find myself watching several landscapers, homeowners, and generally random people wielding the most pointless invention ever: the leaf blower. You just blow the damn things around and that is it. I drove by a guy blowing leaves off of an office park grounds and into the street. I drove by and the wind from my car blew the leaves back onto the grass. Again, he blew the leaves back into the road and once again another car came along and undid all of his pointless work. After a careful assessment I have decided to provide anyone contemplating a leaf blower purchase reasons not to do so:

1. They are just a big broken vacumn cleaner
2. They are horrible for your hearing
3. All they do is blow leaves onto someone else's property
4. They are stupid
5. I mock anyone who owns one or hires anyone to wield such an awful excuse for lawn equipment.

So what have we learned today, class?

here it is, people

The countdown to graduation. For the past few months I have been dreading the last of my college career and the work that would accompany it, but I have really been finishing up a lot of my work (that has turned out to be more busy work than anything) and it occurs to me it is like a lot of other things in my life. I wish that things would come quickly, but when they get here I wish things would slow down.

Don't get me wrong. I want to graduate, but there is a lot that goes along with that.

Is it just me, or were you under the impression (either in high school or early college) that you would magically "know" what you wanted to do when you were done with school?

If someone is reading this and has not graduated from college, I've got some truths for you to swallow:

-You will never "know" when you officially grow up, somehow it just happens
-College does not guarantee that you will be on a career path
*This is the most important*
-Things will work out.

Wisdom from Madame Katie.

Feelin' Social

Taking a page from SGM, I am going to have some guest contributors:

Me: Here we are hanging at my little 'ole apartment and I have several friends over. Beer, Tivo, a bad movie (Melinda and Melinda - whoever said this was a good movie was wrong), and discussing Friendster. I am turning this over to my next guest:

RJ: Well, I'm a big V. This is my first time 'blogging.' Katie assured me it wouldn't hurt, but not to be scared if there's a little blood afterwards. It's natural. Anyways, Katie promised us some Harold and Kumar but she couldn't deliver. It's sort of sad because I was all excited for some hot NPH action, but I guess I'll have to settle for Cartmen, Kyle, Stan and Kenny. So it goes. Well, this wasn't as unpleasant as I feared it might be--plus it only lasted a couple minutes. Later!

SOD (o my!): Katie is a merciless taskmistress. With her, it's just output, with no regard for our well-being. Tonight is good fun, but it pales in comparison to the last outing between Katie and RJ, an all-girls "slumber party" that apparently involved copious quantities of alcohol and partial nudity. Of course, now that there are two members of the male persuasion here, tonight has taken a turn towards the wholesome. Phooey.

JAH: This is what happens when the sober people go first. They say funny and clever things, and then the drunk folks are left to follow with incoherent comments. So, I will spare you all. I am not particulary funny or particularly witty, so I will simply say, in the words of the infamous Parker Posey, "lick me all of you." Just kidding...wouldn't want to be offensive. Peace and love.

ROACH: First of all I have to piss. Like a rachehorse. Moving on, I like to lick yet I think that my friends wouldn't appreciate it for some reason. Maybe it's because I have some sort of ooze dripping forth from my mouth, but that is beside the point. I am the last to go and I have found that this is the position that is the most difficult to perform in. All of the pressure is on you and there is nothing that I can say that will compete with the things that all of these creative people haven't already said. Well hell...I just pissed my pants and I don't think that any of these people realize it yet. It isn't the first time that I've pissed myself as an adult, but I am not proud of that fact. I am just stating fact. Sometimes you just can't control your bladder and you get adult diapers. Thank God for Depends. If it weren't for them then Katie's chair, that is indeed fabric, would be soaked in all of my wetness. So much for having to piss. I think I have shared enough for the next two years, but something is telling me that I will still be sharing more in the near future.

And here it is. These are my friends and I am proud of them. Hope this provided some entertainment. Peace out, M*therf*ckers!

The Hand of God

Well, here it is. Today, I was at my dead end job and I felt the presence of God and he said something akin to "what the hell are you doing?!"

A little background to set the scene. I am terribly afraid of finishing my last semester in school and officially becoming an "adult" (whatever that means). I applied and interviewed for a job and didn't get it. Fine. I have had to tell several people that "no, I did not get the job, but thanks for inquiring." Nothing boosts the ego quite like this, let me tell you. I have not applied anywhere since, despite good intentions. I'm not really sure why, I guess I am just lacking any sort of motivation. So sue me. Now we come to the hand of God.

I found myself at my usual post. I was sitting working on a paper due for class when I was informed that I was expected to make some nametags for an upcoming holiday party. Now, don't get me wrong, you people know I love anything related to the holidays, but this was ridiculous. They (I shall not name names) wanted me to cut out xeroxed copies of a cheap pencil drawing that was oversized, poorly drawn, cheap, and tacky. I cut and pasted these little ugly squares of tastelessness to posterboard and could practically feel myself not living up to my potential. I have made quite a career of not fulfilling expectations, but this was just plain wrong. I am about to have two Masters degrees and I am a glorified kindergartener? Sh*t I was never good at pasting things when I was little and my talents certainly haven't gotten better since. Was this a message from God? Was he trying to convey his utmost disappointment and horror that I am wasting any sort of knowledge on frustrating menial tasks? ugh.

Where did it go so wrong?